Posts tagged fear
Lurking in the shadows
They say if you are an addict, you’ll always be an addict. Well, I think the same goes for phobias. They lurk in the shadows forever.
I did a short talk at the Carnegie Art Center today and I was reminded of my lifelong fear of public speaking — you’ll notice the past tense. I confronted my fears a couple of years ago with two major speaking commitments in one summer. I nearly lost my mind but I survived. There wasn’t any other way to get past it except commit myself and struggle through. It took a medical doc, a therapist, and some drugs - but I can now speak to a group without hives or hyperventilating.
Art did it for me. I had never wanted anything bad enough before to challenge my fear — I’d passed up more opportunities than I can list and had embarrassed myself by backing out and away FAR too many times. I had no problem saying NO to anyone if a public appearance was required.
For my art, I finally found the courage. I was tired of being afraid — and I was sick of short circuiting my art ambitions. There are so many unexpected ways in which making art has changed my life but this is one of the big ones. My childhood fear of public speaking had ramped up to a fullblown diagnosable phobia.
So if there is something you can’t do, I’m telling you that you CAN. And I can also tell you it won’t be easy — it might actually be extremely difficult. My talk today was definitely quivering and high pitched, but I did it! That lifelong phobia was breathing down my neck but I didn’t let it take control.
So try doing what you think you can’t do. I have found that it can be done.
Are we there yet?
“I’m not an artist. I paint.” I said that for over ten years while I painted every day, dragged paintings to art shows, and spent evenings studying or shuffling paperwork. I didn’t know when I would get there — to that place where I had earned the right to be called an artist — but I was sure I wasn’t there yet.
I knew that getting an art degree wouldn’t make me an artist. It’s definitely more complicated than that. I knew the title wasn’t based on commercial success — people buy stuff in buckets that isn’t art — I definitely couldn’t trust that! And I was pretty sure the title didn’t depend on my skill level. Developing skill is a plus but it seems superficial — art comes from a deeper place.
I continued like this for years, basically without an identity. I spent every waking hour thinking about art and making art but I wouldn’t identify myself as an artist. It was tricky and I was vague a lot of the time. Actually, I was confused a lot of the time.
I finally found my answer — not the answer for everyone but the answer for me. It gently settled over me with time and that’s why I trust it. No bolt of lightening, no drama, I simply started writing “artist” on the line that asked for my occupation :)
Being an artist is about my commitment. It is what I do without fail every day. It is the only path that feels right and I haven’t questioned it in years. I can’t measure my ability or effectiveness but I can measure my commitment in hours, days, and years.
And basically I’m not doing something else, I’m doing this. Making art. So there.
