Blog Week: Doubts
I despise them. Doubts has robbed me of more joy and energy than I’d like to admit. Some days it creeps in slowly and other days it can slam me from behind like a two by four. Either way, the rest of the day is spent managing the darkness rather than focusing all my energy on painting.
I’m sure most people deal with doubts in their life but for an artist or any person doing creative work, they can be incredibly destructive. Am I good enough? Am I wasting my time? Am I being fair to my family? Am I contributing anything worthwhile to ANYBODY? If one question doesn’t slow me down enough then my dark side will come up with a bigger one. I’ve always been pretty good at manufacturing doubts so I’ve had to become just as good at smacking them down.
My first line of defense against doubts is that I KNOW they are trying to isolate me. When the first negative accusation creeps up, I remember that I’m not alone. Every artist I’ve studied and most that I’ve talked with have had their dark times and struggled to control them. Working alone, day after day, is fertile ground for irrational dark thoughts. Unfortunately, it’s the only way I’ve found to get my paintings done so I can’t allow the dark doubts to isolate me even further.
Doubts also feed on the temptation I have to compare myself to others. It’s hard to resist comparing my progress as a painter, my business decisions, even the presentation of my work. It’s healthy to a degree because we are all learning from each other but it can turn nasty so easily. Before I know it, I’m questioning my own decisions and progress. All my energy is turned inward negatively rather than outward in an information gathering sense. It’s like I’m looking for fuel to create doubt. Crazy but true.
I think the most debilitating doubts are when I question the importance of making my art. When I meet or hear of someone who changes lives — doctors, nurses, counselors, teachers — I am in awe. And the temptation is to doubt that making paintings is worth the hours, days, well —- years of a life.
I don’t have an answer for that one except to say that it is what I do. It has felt right to make art…or make something….all of my life. Th only thing I can do well is be me. I’m stuck. So my antidote for this doubt is a bag of Cheetos. Cheetos work pretty well, actually.
Doubts are a waste of time but there isn’t anything unique about that. We all waste time doing something. Every single second of our lives can’t be productive. When doubts threaten to butcher my day my latest tactic is to give myself permission to waste time some OTHER way. I waste an hour at the dog park or Target, then return to the studio. I might as well get an errand done and maybe I’ll outsmart my dark doubting side!
